Wednesday, April 25, 2007

all things in His hands!

Hey all you people,

I had another chance to get to the mall and use the internet this afternoon, so here I am updating you again. The days have all begun to blur together and though each day has its own significances, they all blend into eachother. It's hard to find words to write how I feel. I know deep in my heart that this is where God wants me now. And I have been thinking a lot about what He has for me in the future. I sometimes think some long-term work like this would be right for me. I also think of going to school when I return home. I fiddle with the idea of staying here longer. But mostly I want to be where God wants me. And that's where I am now. I know that something will work out even if it happens just before it needs to. I've been reading Blue Like Jazz by D. Miller. The book has been opening up more questions in my mind about what I think about Christianity, living in the world but not of it, living for Christ in every day, how to love everyone...even the unlovable. I long to have more of an opinion on things, but I suppose it comes with time and maturity. I guess this is a better place and time in my life than any to be able to form opinions and ideas of things in this world. Just earlier today a gal who had been here for two months left to return home. I spent time with her this morning and we spent much time together while she was here. I gave her a little gift and a note to say how awesome she is and how we'll miss her. She teared up and thanked me for being me and being her friend. I almost cried too. How is it that I can even think that I'm not having an impact or not making a difference in the lives of others? How is it that I can have such self-pity and feel so lonely? How is it that I can be so self-centered? Sometimes I hate myself for it. Then Jesus reminds me of who He made me to be and what a great person that is. Today I was reminded of that. I feel such emotion right now cause just when I am feeling so low and like am I really who I say I am and who people see me as...God sends a big reminder that hits me in the face. So this is all to say that though it is hard, God is changing me...and I may not know even how He changed me until I am home. Thank you for your prayers for the baby girl with pnemonia...she is still quite sick but doing okay. Pray for me to have a more positive attitude towards others. And that I would not look on others with judgement but instead look on them with the love of Christ. A baby is being adopted locally tomorrow. We are excited to see this sweet little one go home to her forever family though we'll miss her so much. The weather is cooling into winter. The mornings have been very cold lately...sometimes I'm shivering on the walk over to the nursery from the cottage. All things are in His hands! Much love, Cil xxx

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